Mackenzee Shai Hynes
Our “Little Bit”

July 30, 2004 is a day that I will never forget. I had fallen asleep the night before on the couch. I had put Mackenzee in her baby hammock in our bedroom and then started to watch television with my husband, Ed. The next thing I knew it was 1:30 am. I got up and went in to check on Mackenzee. I left Ed sleeping in the living room. Mackenzee was quietly stirring in our room which is what she usually did before she woke up to eat. I picked her up and laid her next to me on my bed. As soon as she lay next to me, she settled down and began sleeping soundly again. I lay there for a few minutes and watched her, and then I fell back to sleep also. Several times, she would become restless, and I would wake up expecting that she was hungry. However, she would just scoot herself closer against my body and go back to sleep. This went on until about 4:00 am when I got up and sat at the computer next to our bed and paid bills. I continued to watch Mackenzee sleep, and I marveled at the fact that she was ours and how much of a blessing she was.

At 4:30 am, I finally woke her up to feed her. I said, "Okay, Little Bit, it's time to get up and eat." She smiled at me. She had the most beautiful smile. We stayed in the bedroom as I breastfed her from one side. She fell asleep again after about 15 minutes of eating, and so I decided to go get her dressed so that she would wake up to finish eating.

I carried her into her nursery, picked out her outfit, laid her on the changing table, changed her diaper, and got her dressed. Mackenzee quietly smiled at me the whole time. She was always so happy. My husband, Ed, woke up while I was getting Mackenzee ready. He peeked his head in her room and told us both, "Good morning." He then went out to get ready for work.

I stood and talked to Mackenzee and began playing her "boop boop" game with her. She sometimes would have some nasal congestion in the morning, especially if I drank any milk which I had done the night before. Her "boop boop" was her nasal aspirator. She wasn't very fond of it and at first, would cry when we used it. However, I began going "boop boop" when I would suction out her nose. She started smiling all of the time when we did that, and so it became her "boop boop" game. It took several minutes to get her little nose cleaned out, but at last I did.

After that, I took her out to the living room to finish breastfeeding her. It took her another fifteen minutes, and she had had her fill.

By this time, Ed had gotten her diaper bag ready, gotten my other daughter, Kaylee, and my niece, Kayleen, up to get ready to go to Mammie's work, and had fixed the girls breakfast. He came and took Mackenzee so I could get ready for work. I took my shower, and when I came out of the bathroom, I saw Mackenzee lying on the couch staring up and back at the wall behind her. I always said that is where her angels were. She had a big, beautiful smile on her face. Kaylee picked her up then and carried her around the house for awhile. Kaylee loved that she could do this now because we hadn't let her for a long time. I went into the bedroom and quickly got dressed and ready for work.

When I came out, Mackenzee was in her car seat. I swooped her up and held her close. I didn't want to leave her. I told her, "Let's hide you from Daddy, and I hold on to you all day." Mackenzee just smiled at me. I walked around with her and talked to her until I had to leave for work. I hated to go because I hadn't had that much time with her in the morning since I had been home with her during maternity leave.

Finally, I relented and put her back in her car seat. I remember her lifting her head up as if she was trying to sit up in her car seat. She pulled at her bib and chewed on it. She had done that so much that morning that it wasn't tied in the back anymore and was just lying on her belly now. I kissed her "goodbye" three times and told her I loved her. I kissed the girls and Ed and told them I loved them, too. They left a few minutes before I did. I went around the house and shut off all of the lights. I got my things together and left for work.

I had just started my job at Citrus Memorial, and so I was quite busy learning the skills necessary to work in my department. I called Ed around lunchtime and asked him if he was going to pick Mackenzee up or if he wanted me to do it. He told me that he was getting done early at work and was going to go home after work and mow the lawn so I should go and get her. My daughter, Kaylee, was spending the night with my mom and dad, and so I didn't have to worry about her. I told him that I would pick Mackenzee up from daycare.

I got done working a half hour early, and so I called Ed to see how his day was going. He said they had to work later than they had planned, and he was just going back to the office now. We again discussed who would get Mackenzee. Once again, we agreed that I would do it. When I got to the car, it was extremely hot inside. I started the car and let the air conditioner kick in and cool down the car before I started out to get Mackenzee. I didn't want her to get into a hot car.

I arrived at the daycare and went in to get Mackenzee. I had been thinking on the way over that I would take her out and buy her some new bibs and socks. I was also glad that I got to have a little alone time with her before Ed would get home from work. I walked into the nursery. The daycare worker was holding a chubby little baby girl. The woman said, "She just woke up." I looked at the baby for a moment, but she wasn't Mackenzee. I began looking around the room. Mackenzee was nowhere. I panicked. I knew that she wasn't there. Finally, the daycare worker asked, "Who are you looking for?" I said, "Mackenzee." She replied, "She hasn't been here all day. She wasn't here yesterday, either." I told her, "I know she wasn't here yesterday because my husband didn't have to work, but he worked today." The whole time I am saying to myself, "He left her with mom this morning." The worker must have seen that I was upset. She told me to use the phone in the other room to call my husband. I thanked her and went out.

I went into the next room and called Ed. He answered with, "What's up?" My voice began to quiver as I tried to control the emotions that were flowing through my body. I said, "Where's Mackenzee? She's not at daycare." His phone went dead. I quickly dialed the number to his cell phone again, but it just rang and went over to his voice mail. The feeling of dread was beginning to overwhelm me. I called again. This time the phone was answered. My husband was screaming and crying. In that instant, I knew.

I let out a blood curdling scream and ran out of the daycare. Several people chased after me. I only remember the daycare director. They asked me what happened. I screamed and cried, "He forgot her!" Everyone tried to calm me down, but it was no use. I knew that my precious baby girl was gone. The daycare director drove me to my husband's work.

When I got there, Ed and someone else were pulling Mackenzee in her car seat out of the back of the car. Her little lifeless body ripped my heart to shreds. I remember throwing myself on the ground as I screamed and cried. This couldn't be happening to us. It couldn't be happening to me. I had waited so long for her to come into my life. I begged and pleaded with God. They wouldn't let me touch her. I remember that someone took her out of her seat and laid her on a shirt or something on the ground. They still wouldn't let me touch or hold my baby girl. Finally, the paramedics put Mackenzee in the ambulance.

After that, much of what happened is a blur. I remember being moved here and there. I remember answering some questions. I remember my mom holding me. I remember the daycare director holding me. Nothing could console me, though. I wanted my beautiful baby girl to be alive. I wanted them to come out of the ambulance with her. I wanted them to bring her over to me so that I could hold and kiss her. I didn't want any of it to be real, but it was very real. Our "Little Bit" had been taken up to heaven to be with God, and we were left with empty arms and broken hearts.

The days since have been filled with tears, "what ifs", grief, laughter, fond memories, etc…. Someone told me that it would feel like I was on a roller coaster ride, and she was right. I never know when the tears will come. Each day, we wake up hoping that it was all a nightmare, and each night we go to bed longing for the day we will see Mackenzee in heaven. I have begun writing a journal filled with all the memories we have of our "Little Bit." I never want to forget one moment with her. I think the journal has helped me some to work through all of this. It hasn't made it any more real for us. Ed, Kaylee, and I still want to believe that she will be home waiting for us.

I know that many people cannot understand how anyone could forget his/her child. Believe me, I was the same way. Not a month before all of this happened, I had heard about a father who had forgotten his baby. I told Ed that if he ever forgot Mackenzee, I would kill him. He looked at me and said, "What kind of an idiot forgets their child." My husband struggles with blame everyday. He and I both don't understand how he could have forgotten her, but he did. This kind of thing is happening way too often. Ed and I didn't think that it could happen to us. We thought we were immune.

I would like to say that each day the pain gets less and less, but that just isn't true. Some days are good and others are bad. I have to say that it was God who has gotten us through this. His strength and comfort have been constant forces in our life. Now we pray for wisdom along with the comfort and strength. Our hope is the promise that one day we will be with Mackenzee in heaven and then nothing or no one can tear us apart again. Until then, I have comfort knowing that our "Little Bit" is with Jesus. We couldn't ask for a better babysitter.

Sincerely,

Melanie Hynes
Mackenzee's Mommy